Rob Smyth

Prompt: For some reason the ducks were not happy today - From Episode 03

Someone said the ducks are not happy. But how can you tell. Ducks are nature’s best poker player, if you ignore their inability to handle cards and their complete disinterest in the fundamental principles of gambling and cards. 

I recently moved to a village with some ducks. I say “some” ducks, I’m not sure how many ducks constitute “some”. Maybe it’s the same ducks constantly moving around like extras on Lord of the Rings. Or maybe lord of the flies. I laughed but the ducks are unmoved by my avian pun. It’s flap dancers all over again.  

I know they’re up-to-something. I saw the lead duck plotting in that way they do when they just behave like normal ducks. It’s sneaky. I spent ages last week looking at them, until I had to go to work. 

They think they’ve won, but the jokes on them. I’ve just left another job, so now I can watch them every minute of every day. Take that “disciplinary meeting to discuss my weird obsession with ducks”. 

My friends think I spend too much time talking about ducks. So do my family. I tried to distract myself with dating, but I can’t seem to find anyone who enjoys water, bread and bobbing their head repeatedly. I just don’t know what to do. 

Please help. Yours. Mr A Mallard.  

Robert is a comedy writer who has contributed to NewsJack, The Sitcom Trials, Next Level Sketch Comedy, Making An Impression Podcast and OMF Theatre. Follow him on twitter @2014Robertsmyth